On Subjectivity and the Anonymity of Abusers

Written and posted to facebook on March 31, 2016Self portrait with pink scarf

If I do not post the name or names of people, don’t assume you know who I am talking about. Anyone familiar with my writings knows I often fictionalize some of the most brutal people in my life. My writing allows me to process and contextualize my personal experience. This is my subjective experience. By fictionalizing or not stating the names, I am at the same time protecting the perpetrator from and recognizing (and valuing) my own subjectivity. Since in these cases the issues aren’t so much who, but that. That this happened, That I feel this way. I also may be combining several experiences, or writing about ideas informed by several different people, interactions, experiences, or simply responding to what was triggered by a particular experience or series of experiences. Too often people assume that the location of the trigger is the cause. It may not be. I know this. I go to great lengths, therefore, to protect others from my reaction while also allowing my reaction to inform my understanding of the traumatic origins.

I try to take nothing for granted. Great injustices occur in what we accept as normal. I want to call it all out. It is not about individuals (though it can be about movements.). Capitalism has pulled me apart and left boot tracks all over my broken body, broken heart and broken mind. I need to shout about this, scream about this, cry, mourn and hopefully connect because I know if it is happening to me, I am not alone in this experience.

I need to at the very least, learn from this. One friend due to unimaginable loss posted a meme that said “God is about to restore everything you have lost this year. If you believe type amen and share. ” And it made me shudder. I have lost so much this year. But I don’t want any of it back. Letting go of what I had hoped for in so many situations and relationships was wrenching. Mostly all I lost was the relationships I had wished they were, not the relationships they actually were. This was hard and painful work and essential loss and I am relieved, now, having let it go.

Also, do not worry about me. This is important work. I will be okay. I’m also ecstatic that I’m writing again. Expect more!!! If you are concerned, then tell those who do mention names, to stop using me to gain social capital. Tell them to take me out of their self promotion and communities of abuse. Tell them to consider the rippling waves of impact their obsession with me has on other people and entire communities. Relationships are complex. Relationships end. People go their separate ways. There’s no reason to get personal about it or commit character assassination unless there are other motives, and that’s on them.